MOVING SALE!!! CHEAP WORDS!!!
Ok ok, I am not really having a moving sale, but I am moving! So if you would please follow me to my new home I would greatly appreciate it!!
MY NEW BLOGGING HOME THIS WAY!!!!
Please come check it out, update your feeds, bookmark it, anything, just don’t forget me!
Focusing on the self ~ Originally written 12-02-05
Have you ever known just what you want to write about, but you just can’t think of a title for it? That is the predicament I am in at this very moment. So instead of derailing my train of thought by focusing entirely too much on a title, I shall worry about that at the end.
It never ceases to amaze me how well we can understand other people, but how little we can understand ourselves. You would think one would understand themselves better than another because, well it’s who we are. But frankly it doesn’t always work that way. Perhaps that’s why so many seek the comfort of a therapist, because they can help you better understand yourself. Or perhaps that’s why so many actually blog, because it is therapeutic and writing the words that come from your soul seem so easy. Then you get the feedback from your devoted readers, and it makes you better understand yourself and even the world around you.
I am a woman who is very much into what others classify as “New Age Practices”. Yet, when people hear that term, they automatically think it’s some pagan rituals or something of the like. When in fact the things I practice are meditation, self discovery, introspection, and reflection on the past and how it’s made me who I am. Ok, theoretically that is what I am into. Yet ask me how often I take the time to do any of this? Go ahead, ask me! Rarely, if ever. The funny thing about that is, it’s one of the reasons I blog. Yet I never manage to accomplish that. I can’t help it, I am a sarcastic woman and I like to make people laugh.
I can come here, to my sacred place of thoughts and pondering with every intent on some reflection and introspection, but then I don’t want to laden my readers down with what I am sure will bore them to tears. Instead, I make light of life, and yes sometimes I am serious, but never to the point that I want to be. Instead I like to make funny entries that will have you laughing, or so I hope.
So with that being said, I am now going to take some time for me. I am going to write about me, time for a little introspection that will leave me feeling very bared to you all I am sure, and who knows how long I will keep it here, because frankly I hate admitting to my flaws. And part of introspection is to do just that.
These are the things I can admit about myself openly, and believe me, there are more, but I just can’t admit to them here:
I am a huge slacker, it’s insane. I mean come on, I am 26, I need to get on the ball already, but alas, I am a slacker. No, I am sorry, I am not a slacker. That is a term that is used for teenagers, instead I am a procrastinator, of the worst sort. I put things off for as long as possible, and then I feel like a total ass for doing so. I then proceed to mentally beat myself up for not accomplishing the things that I had intended. It’s a vicious cycle that plays out within me damn near on a daily basis. Sadly, I say I will work on this, and then I put that off.
I focus entirely too much on the negative. The term “Don’t sweat the small stuff” doesn’t not apply to me. It should, I know this, but it doesn’t. I sweat it all. I focus on the negative to the point it makes me physically ill most of the time. Fortunately for me, I married a man who can help me not focus on the negative and just live for today. Yet most of the time, deep inside of my soul, I am focusing on the negative. This is again, something I know I should work on, but I don’t. This is how I have been for as long as I can remember.
I am entirely too paranoid. Which leads to the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” syndrome. It seems that no matter how well things are going with people, or events in my life, I am constantly expecting something bad to happen. I don’t know how the people in my life tolerate my constant, “did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?” crap because frankly, I ask those questions entirely too often. I need to accept life as it is, and stop expecting a problem to arise at every turn. If there is going to be a problem, I am sure I will know about it when it’s time. Meanwhile I should enjoy the life I was chosen to lead.
And the last issue I am going to address today, I lack motivation. I have no motivation for anything. When I manage to muster some up, it usually fades in a fairly short amount of time. This is something I really hate about myself. Yet when it comes to changing this….Well frankly I lack the motivation and I procrastinate too much. Ok, that was kind of funny, but I meant it to be serious. This is an area where Jamie and I are bad for each other. Whereas I usually lack all motivation, he has it, then loses it. And we both play into each others’ weakness and then nothing gets accomplished.
These are just a few of the things I really want to change about myself. There are many things that add up to make me very unhappy with who I am. And I know I focus too much on the negative and I know that I have great qualities too, but they just don’t even out with my flaws. I know that I must work on changing who I am as a person if I am ever to be truly happy with myself and my surroundings. So this is something I plan on working on more often.
At least once a week I hope to do an entry like this. I hope that you all don’t mind being my sounding board for this, and that you can give me some feedback. I tend to not see the progress within myself, so hopefully you all can see my progress for me, and remind me of such. Consider yourselves my blogging therapists….Your checks are in the mail. *wink*
**Edited to Add** You all will never know how very difficult this entry was for me to write. Especially because I have a family member that reads me regularly (hi Josh), and I strive for people to have this flawless perception of me. Which I know is stupid, because frankly, none of us are flawless…yet still, I hate to admit to people that I have them. I am not sure that makes any sense…but I had to put that in there.
Why hello…
Hi there! Sorry about the lag yet again…trying to get into this whole working 3rd thing, and it’s killing me! So for your view pleasure I am going to revisit one of my favorite entries saved from an old blog in the next entry.
Meanwhile I am considering going back to blogger, wordpress is pissing me off, everyone cool with that? Will you follow me, yet again? Please? LOL!
Be around with comments soon!
More blog fun…
Mandy did it, now I am doing it…I am bored! Four freakin’ posts in a night, wow! I googled “Kell needs” and this is what I need…
- to be fed 100 lbs of beef every week (FREAKIN’ GROSS!)
- YOUR SUPPORT!!!!
- access (to what?)
- her hair pulled (eg)
- a disclaimer
- no introduction
- deep punishment (along with her hair pulled? Sorry I am bad tonight)
- to be executed, yikes!
- love
- to be the centerfold…hehe
- more bricks!
- a weapon
- changing, a bath, cuddling, whatever
- a moist environment to grow
- 2 wins
Ok, that was fun…and it kept me occupied for like 5 minutes or so! LOL!
Benevolent Artist huh?
I just took this test and found out I am a Benevolent Artist. View my results here and then take it for yourself! It’s actually extremely accurate!!
An Interview!!
01) tell us how you met your husband, fell in love, and decided to marry. i love details!
Good question and one of my favorite stories! Lets see if I can do this without writing a whole entry on this one question…LOL! When I met JD I was actually married to my ex-husband. We were seperated but still living together because financially I wasn’t in a position to move out, and frankly he was abusive and I was scared and didn’t think I had the strength to do it, I had tried so many times prior to this. Well one night one of my online girlfriends had decided to wanted to try the role playing games I was into (not sexual rping! More like magic fantasy type thing, like Harry Potter, LOTR type deal). Well I gave her the rundown on creating your character and into a room we went. And JD and I instantly noticed each other. That night we talked for hours in character as I IMed him out of char to get to know the person behind Dun’arin (char name). It was love at first type I think for both of us, and our characters too! It just took off from there, we still rp’ed occasionally but mostly got to know each other, finally talked on the phone, and fell madly in love. We had realized we met our soulmates in each other! He gave me the strength I needed and the self-confidence I needed to move out of the ex’s and to get my divorce. The day of my divorce he asked me to be his girlfriend, one month later he came to visit me for the first time (he was in NC, I was in IL), a month or so after that came back for another visit bringing half of his belongings and then a month after that came back again for good! We sent letters, boxes full of cute stuff to each other, racked up serious hours on the phone, and fell in love with the distance of 800 miles in between us. We still have all the letters and cards too! Our first Christmas together he proposed to me while I had a mouthful of sausage biscuit LOL! I said yes and laughed and cried at the same time. Meeting and falling in love with him was the best thing that ever happened to me! And someday we are going to write a book together about our characters that we created, so Mandy if we ever do, you are assured a copy! LOL! How was that for detailed??
02) if you were to be in the movie industry, would you be a writer, director, or actress? and why?
Wow, now this requires some thought. I think it would be awesome to write a movie, I don’t think I would want to direct a movie that doesn’t appeal to me, and I would definitely love to act in a movie as everyone has always said what a flair for the dramatics I have!! Hehe!
03) what was the most difficult life experience you have had so far? what have you learned from it?
Honestly there have been so many that I would consider difficult that it’s hard to say just one. But I think that being married to a man that was abusive in every sense of the word and then finally having the strength to walk away taught me that I should never base my self-worth on what another person says I am. For 5 years I thought so little of myself because of him and I had no confidence in anything I did. Still to this day I have residual issues from that. But I have always said if I had to do it over I would go through it all again because I am a stronger person for it, and everything happens for a reason. That 5 years was just part of my broken road to get me to where I am today, and even if I still sometimes regress into my thinking little of myself, I know that I truly am a stronger person for getting out, and not letting someone do that to me again.
04) what would you most like to change about your life this year?
Well, the year is half over, and the first half has been kind of bumpy for JD and I. But things are improving daily, so I think that I am already changing what I would most like to change, as is he. We are improving our marriage, remembering how in love we used to be and getting back to that. I wish there were some hurtful things I could erase to make it easier, but I can’t, so I am working on letting that shit go, as hard as it is to do. I wish I could change my thinking so I didn’t dwell so much and could just forget and forgive and move on. So that’s what I am working on changing!
05) what is your greatest personal strength?
Gosh, I don’t know that I have one of those! LOL! Dang you Mandy…that’s a tough question, especially to ask someone who often refused to see the good in herself!! I had to consult JD on that one and he said my loyalty in friendship. I think I would have to agree with that statement. Except I would also have to disagree. It would be more of a personal strength if I could manage to spread that loyalty out to all of my friends instead of just the ones I see on a daily basis. So it is, but it isn’t as well. And that is actually a little depressing, I think I will be working on changing that as well!
Ok who wants to play? Heather if you don’t ask me for interview questions I will kick your ass btw! LOL, I already know you need blogging material!! Here’s how it works….
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone
else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be
interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
What?!?!?! A Post?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sup peeps? Anyone still out there? I am UPDATING!! HURRY COME READ! LOL
Sorry I have been gone for so long, it’s just that it’s Summer, and I have lots of stuff going on. If there was a way to blog from my phone (I need to check into that) I could update sooooo much more! But I am rarely if ever on the computer and that’s usually only long enough to check up on my myspace and my email. Speaking of email, you will find a meme entry from me soon because in my email box staring me in the face are the interview questions I asked for from Miss Mandylicious! LOL! So girl, I am working on it, promise!!
So recent events, my favorite way…
* JD and I passed the three years of wedded bliss mark last week. Three whole years! Hopefully this one is better than the last, hopefully a lot less stressful and a lot less scary! Although I am so happy that we made it to 3 years and I am looking forward to the rest of our lives. I love this man with all of my heart and in the past few weeks we have made great strides in our marriage (which honestly seemed to have been falling apart).
* I start working this week. Third shift baby, in one of my favorite places, downtown! I’ll be working in a club…well actually there are 4 clubs in one, but 1 of them is closed for remodeling. Regardless, it’s a hot place to work! Go me!
* All of my friends are either having babies, recently had babies, or have had babies for a while. I am going to be 28 soon, we have been married 3 years. Every time someone calls or emails to say, “Guess what? I am having a baby!” it just furthers my feelings of inadaquecy about giving JD a child to call his own. And it doesn’t help that he has been babysitting my friends kidlet who absolutely adores him and everyone keeps saying what a great father he will make. Folks, I don’t think I can have kids! It sucks and it’s hitting me hard, even harder tonight as another good friend just found out she’s having a baby! Although I am always happy for my friends, I just wish it was me!
Really I think that’s all the major updating I needed to do for the moment. Now I am off to work on this freakin’ interview questions I have been putting off for so long! So yeah, hopefully someone actually comes back to my blog in hopes of an update (yup, I am so gonna email my 3 fave *(read: only)* readers to let them know I actually updated!).
I hope to be writing more…mental note: check into blogging from my phone!
Oh and also Sudoku…I am freakin’ hooked on that game! That is all!
I turn my head and something else is going on
Ahhh, craziness, seriously!
Such is the beginning of summer! Lots of things going on, lots of things to do! Lots of fun to be had! And I am having it!
I will be blogging here and there, but as you can tell, it isn’t such a frequent thing for me these days. But never fear loves, I will be checking in from time to time. (I say that like my blog actually gets read more than once a week or something…lol)
Summer….love me some freakin’ summer!
Still alive…
Hey…I am still here, still alive, just haven’t been on the computer much lately. And I guess I don’t really have anything to write about. Ok, that’s a lie, I have a lot to write about, just never have the words to say. I guess that’s a better description.
I will be going through the files of my old blogs and reposting some older entries that I happen to love for the time being, perhaps give myself a little inspirational boost in the writing department.
So please enjoy blog memory lane…and until I can think of something better to say, toodles!
Fresh…
The last bits of winter are slowly fading from the world. No more snow, no more ice, perhaps a colder day now and again, but overall the world is coming back to life. Early in the morning the birds can be heard chirping away so happily and the geese can be heard returning to the lakes and ponds that are no longer icy and frigid. The trees are budding, the clouds are fluffy, people are walking the neighborhoods, grass is being mowed, allergies are kicking in, kids are playing capture the flag and it all means one thing…SPRING!
The solitude of winter is fading like a distant memory, and the freshness of new life and new warmth is upon us, slowly bringing us out of our winter blahs. There is a reason that Spring is one of my favorite seasons, because it signifies a change, a renewal, a freshness.
Like the fading dark days of winter, there are some dark days in my life that I am slowly but surely shaking off. Some things I wasn’t sure I would make it through, but like the Spring, I will endure. I will breathe a new life into myself, I will change and renew the things that need to be fresh again, and get rid of the stagnant and the stale. I will shake off the cold that has enveloped my life for so long and embrace a new warmth that, like the Spring, is finally starting to peek into my life.
Over the weekend we went and saw Meet the Robinsons, recommend it for young and old. It’s a very sweet and uplifting movie with a great message. Keep moving forward. Allow the past to be the past, and embrace the future, and learn from the failures. That’s what I am doing, and at just the right time. Not only are the seasons changing outside, but they are changing in my life too. All I can do is move forward and continue to embrace the good and let go of the bad.
