Randomosity

Focusing on the self ~ Originally written 12-02-05

July 18, 2007 at 11:46 pm (Old entries revisited)

Have you ever known just what you want to write about, but you just can’t think of a title for it? That is the predicament I am in at this very moment. So instead of derailing my train of thought by focusing entirely too much on a title, I shall worry about that at the end.

It never ceases to amaze me how well we can understand other people, but how little we can understand ourselves. You would think one would understand themselves better than another because, well it’s who we are. But frankly it doesn’t always work that way. Perhaps that’s why so many seek the comfort of a therapist, because they can help you better understand yourself. Or perhaps that’s why so many actually blog, because it is therapeutic and writing the words that come from your soul seem so easy. Then you get the feedback from your devoted readers, and it makes you better understand yourself and even the world around you.

I am a woman who is very much into what others classify as “New Age Practices”. Yet, when people hear that term, they automatically think it’s some pagan rituals or something of the like. When in fact the things I practice are meditation, self discovery, introspection, and reflection on the past and how it’s made me who I am. Ok, theoretically that is what I am into. Yet ask me how often I take the time to do any of this? Go ahead, ask me! Rarely, if ever. The funny thing about that is, it’s one of the reasons I blog. Yet I never manage to accomplish that. I can’t help it, I am a sarcastic woman and I like to make people laugh.

I can come here, to my sacred place of thoughts and pondering with every intent on some reflection and introspection, but then I don’t want to laden my readers down with what I am sure will bore them to tears. Instead, I make light of life, and yes sometimes I am serious, but never to the point that I want to be. Instead I like to make funny entries that will have you laughing, or so I hope.

So with that being said, I am now going to take some time for me. I am going to write about me, time for a little introspection that will leave me feeling very bared to you all I am sure, and who knows how long I will keep it here, because frankly I hate admitting to my flaws. And part of introspection is to do just that.

These are the things I can admit about myself openly, and believe me, there are more, but I just can’t admit to them here:

I am a huge slacker, it’s insane. I mean come on, I am 26, I need to get on the ball already, but alas, I am a slacker. No, I am sorry, I am not a slacker. That is a term that is used for teenagers, instead I am a procrastinator, of the worst sort. I put things off for as long as possible, and then I feel like a total ass for doing so. I then proceed to mentally beat myself up for not accomplishing the things that I had intended. It’s a vicious cycle that plays out within me damn near on a daily basis. Sadly, I say I will work on this, and then I put that off.

I focus entirely too much on the negative. The term “Don’t sweat the small stuff” doesn’t not apply to me. It should, I know this, but it doesn’t. I sweat it all. I focus on the negative to the point it makes me physically ill most of the time. Fortunately for me, I married a man who can help me not focus on the negative and just live for today. Yet most of the time, deep inside of my soul, I am focusing on the negative. This is again, something I know I should work on, but I don’t. This is how I have been for as long as I can remember.

I am entirely too paranoid. Which leads to the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” syndrome. It seems that no matter how well things are going with people, or events in my life, I am constantly expecting something bad to happen. I don’t know how the people in my life tolerate my constant, “did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?” crap because frankly, I ask those questions entirely too often. I need to accept life as it is, and stop expecting a problem to arise at every turn. If there is going to be a problem, I am sure I will know about it when it’s time. Meanwhile I should enjoy the life I was chosen to lead.

And the last issue I am going to address today, I lack motivation. I have no motivation for anything. When I manage to muster some up, it usually fades in a fairly short amount of time. This is something I really hate about myself. Yet when it comes to changing this….Well frankly I lack the motivation and I procrastinate too much. Ok, that was kind of funny, but I meant it to be serious. This is an area where Jamie and I are bad for each other. Whereas I usually lack all motivation, he has it, then loses it. And we both play into each others’ weakness and then nothing gets accomplished.

These are just a few of the things I really want to change about myself. There are many things that add up to make me very unhappy with who I am. And I know I focus too much on the negative and I know that I have great qualities too, but they just don’t even out with my flaws. I know that I must work on changing who I am as a person if I am ever to be truly happy with myself and my surroundings. So this is something I plan on working on more often.

At least once a week I hope to do an entry like this. I hope that you all don’t mind being my sounding board for this, and that you can give me some feedback. I tend to not see the progress within myself, so hopefully you all can see my progress for me, and remind me of such. Consider yourselves my blogging therapists….Your checks are in the mail. *wink*

**Edited to Add** You all will never know how very difficult this entry was for me to write. Especially because I have a family member that reads me regularly (hi Josh), and I strive for people to have this flawless perception of me. Which I know is stupid, because frankly, none of us are flawless…yet still, I hate to admit to people that I have them. I am not sure that makes any sense…but I had to put that in there.