What?!?!?! A Post?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sup peeps? Anyone still out there? I am UPDATING!! HURRY COME READ! LOL
Sorry I have been gone for so long, it’s just that it’s Summer, and I have lots of stuff going on. If there was a way to blog from my phone (I need to check into that) I could update sooooo much more! But I am rarely if ever on the computer and that’s usually only long enough to check up on my myspace and my email. Speaking of email, you will find a meme entry from me soon because in my email box staring me in the face are the interview questions I asked for from Miss Mandylicious! LOL! So girl, I am working on it, promise!!
So recent events, my favorite way…
* JD and I passed the three years of wedded bliss mark last week. Three whole years! Hopefully this one is better than the last, hopefully a lot less stressful and a lot less scary! Although I am so happy that we made it to 3 years and I am looking forward to the rest of our lives. I love this man with all of my heart and in the past few weeks we have made great strides in our marriage (which honestly seemed to have been falling apart).
* I start working this week. Third shift baby, in one of my favorite places, downtown! I’ll be working in a club…well actually there are 4 clubs in one, but 1 of them is closed for remodeling. Regardless, it’s a hot place to work! Go me!
* All of my friends are either having babies, recently had babies, or have had babies for a while. I am going to be 28 soon, we have been married 3 years. Every time someone calls or emails to say, “Guess what? I am having a baby!” it just furthers my feelings of inadaquecy about giving JD a child to call his own. And it doesn’t help that he has been babysitting my friends kidlet who absolutely adores him and everyone keeps saying what a great father he will make. Folks, I don’t think I can have kids! It sucks and it’s hitting me hard, even harder tonight as another good friend just found out she’s having a baby! Although I am always happy for my friends, I just wish it was me!
Really I think that’s all the major updating I needed to do for the moment. Now I am off to work on this freakin’ interview questions I have been putting off for so long! So yeah, hopefully someone actually comes back to my blog in hopes of an update (yup, I am so gonna email my 3 fave *(read: only)* readers to let them know I actually updated!).
I hope to be writing more…mental note: check into blogging from my phone!
Oh and also Sudoku…I am freakin’ hooked on that game! That is all!
I turn my head and something else is going on
Ahhh, craziness, seriously!
Such is the beginning of summer! Lots of things going on, lots of things to do! Lots of fun to be had! And I am having it!
I will be blogging here and there, but as you can tell, it isn’t such a frequent thing for me these days. But never fear loves, I will be checking in from time to time. (I say that like my blog actually gets read more than once a week or something…lol)
Summer….love me some freakin’ summer!
Fresh…
The last bits of winter are slowly fading from the world. No more snow, no more ice, perhaps a colder day now and again, but overall the world is coming back to life. Early in the morning the birds can be heard chirping away so happily and the geese can be heard returning to the lakes and ponds that are no longer icy and frigid. The trees are budding, the clouds are fluffy, people are walking the neighborhoods, grass is being mowed, allergies are kicking in, kids are playing capture the flag and it all means one thing…SPRING!
The solitude of winter is fading like a distant memory, and the freshness of new life and new warmth is upon us, slowly bringing us out of our winter blahs. There is a reason that Spring is one of my favorite seasons, because it signifies a change, a renewal, a freshness.
Like the fading dark days of winter, there are some dark days in my life that I am slowly but surely shaking off. Some things I wasn’t sure I would make it through, but like the Spring, I will endure. I will breathe a new life into myself, I will change and renew the things that need to be fresh again, and get rid of the stagnant and the stale. I will shake off the cold that has enveloped my life for so long and embrace a new warmth that, like the Spring, is finally starting to peek into my life.
Over the weekend we went and saw Meet the Robinsons, recommend it for young and old. It’s a very sweet and uplifting movie with a great message. Keep moving forward. Allow the past to be the past, and embrace the future, and learn from the failures. That’s what I am doing, and at just the right time. Not only are the seasons changing outside, but they are changing in my life too. All I can do is move forward and continue to embrace the good and let go of the bad.
And it could all come tumbling down
First off let me say this (Mandy, pay attention here…lol). I have this nifty little thing built right into my blog here that lets me see just about anything sitemeter does. Including search engine terms used to find my blog. And I check them everytime I get online (which hasn’t been in forever mind you) and a few days ago someone searched “mandylicious” and it brought them to my blog. Haha, I got quite the kick out of that one! Just had to share that for Miss Mandy!
Ok, ever have one of those days that you feel like you are standing on the very tip top of a pile of boulders and if you move the wrong way they could all just start tumbling down, taking you down with them, and of course probably meeting your untimely demise? No? Well I am. And I hate it. So if you don’t hear from me…the boulders got me ok?
We have been in full fledged spring cleaning mode. The carpets shampooed, the painting projects getting finished up, the house being deep cleaned. Yup, it’s been a cleaning frenzy for the past few days. And today I deep cleaned our bedroom. Whew, I am wore out. I am glad the house is clean, I need a break, however I am sure tomorrow I will feel quite lost with nothing to do. Blah.
Ok, that’s it for me, just wanted to say hi, and I am alive…for the moment. Either my insanity will kill me or this toothache will. Toodles.
Insert witty title here…
Ok, so it’s still sitting in my drafts. It turns out that this whole baring of the soul will be a lot harder than I first imagined. And I have a lot going on right now, so I just don’t have the brain capacity to put into that kind of project. But I am still working on it, and you will all be reading it soon enough.
I had a really great weekend! On Saturday we went and spent a few hours with my Momma who I hadn’t seen in like ages. Seriously. It made her entire day! JD, Momma, my little brother Jake, and myself all piled into the car and went to Barnes and Noble. I love their bargain books and I walked out with 3 of them (and totally would have walked out with more if I could have). Then we went back to Mom’s and hung out for a bit. When we got home we snuggled in the bed, read and watched movies. It was a perfect Saturday.
Come Sunday we got up bright and early and headed over to my Dad’s house for a big family road trip! The Christmas present to all of us kids and grandbabies from Dad and Mary Jane (step-mom) was a day trip to Snowstar. It was a lot of fun for all of us. We spent the day on the tube hill, wow, talk about some SERIOUS fun!! I am not a thrill seeker by any stretch of the imagination, and after the first run down the hill I didn’t think I would be doing it again. It was scary, fast and I couldn’t stop and therefore got caught in the fence causing injury to my arm. However, I did it again and by the end of the day the whole family was getting a huge kick out of me because I went more than anyone else did. And I started going down on my stomach, and then spinning while on my stomach. Turns out I was the biggest thrill seeker out of the whole family. LOL! It was a great family day that we have decided to turn into a tradition. I can’t wait to go back next year. Although I hope I am not so sore next time from all the crashing and burning I did. LOL!
Today when JD got home from work we curled up and took a nap, mainly because we were both still pretty tired from the hours of fun in the sun and cold ass weather yesterday and both a little sore. It was a nice afternoon nap before doing laundry together. The only sucky part…my dreams. I have been having some seriously disturbing dreams lately. The kind that linger in your head long after you wake up. I won’t go into great detail about this one but suffice it to say it was pretty bad. I am still not entirely recovered from it either.
Alright, I am going to go snuggle under the blankets that are all freshly washed and smell so good and read my book and then crash out. G’nite and sweet dreams everyone!
Baring of the soul aka Vulnerability
In light of some recent blogs I have found that are real, true, hard-core this is life stuff, I have decided to forgo the usual sweetness and light blog stuff for a minute or two. As much as I want to be seen as a normal, happy, run of the mill girl next door blogging about daily life shit that doesn’t really matter, I also just want to be real for a minute. I want to show the world that there are scars on this soul, that there are flaws to this girl, and that everyone has demons that try to eat away at the most crucial part of a person, their soul. I have tried this before and failed, mainly due to some internet drama where anything I wrote could be and was used against me. Having your pain, your angst, your soul used as a weapon to slander, and belittle was not something I was enjoying, and I wasn’t going to let them have more fodder for their fire, so I quit being real. But now that it’s behind me, I am free to be real, free to bear my soul. And even if they do find me and use it against me, well that’s ok too. Because I am real…and I am proud to be real, a lot of people can’t say that.
However, when I think about writing this entry (maybe more like a series of entries), why is it that I can’t breathe? My chest gets tight, my hands go cold and clammy, and I get the internal jitters? Vulnerability. I loathe being vulnerable, I did that for far too long. I am the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleave, but only to an extent. While I will let some of my pain through, only enough for those around me to not think I was crazy for being down and out. But the real stuff, the real demons, the real vulnerability I hide. I build up walls that protect me from baring my soul, from letting it all out, from letting people see just whats wrong with me. Because I hate being vulnerable.
However, this is a blog. And the only person in my offline life that reads this blog is my husband. And although I build up walls with him, none of what I write will be news to him. So with that being said, thus begins my baring of the soul journey in my blog. The only thing I hope is that things you read here do not make you think any less of me, but make you realize that everyone makes all kinds of misakes, as long as we learn and grow from them we aren’t doing half bad. I ask that you don’t judge me, that isn’t why I am writing this stuff, if you do that you can very well look up to the right hand corner and click that pretty red x box.
Now I am off to write Chapter 1…
It’s in the Moments
So often we just rush through life, trying to get this that and the other thing done. Trying to get so much accomplished, trying to get more more more. More often than not everyone in this life is in such a hurry, that we forget to stand still and just appreciate the moments. Right now I feel like I am missing so many moments. The moments that I normally take for granted when JD is here with me. It’s funny how being apart will make you think of things like that.
For instance, we have a nightly ritual that’s all cute and cuddly that we do and have since the beginning of our time together. It’s something that we often do without thinking and it’s apart of what makes going to sleep so enjoyable for us. But at the same time, it is a ritual, it is fairly routine and when is the last time I stopped and just completely lost myself in that moment? Not to say I don’t love it, because I do, but I think Saturday night when we do it, I will make sure to clear my mind and put myself 100% into that moment so that I may savor it and truly enjoy it.
When it comes down to it, life isn’t about how much money we make, how many possesions we have, how high our status is, it’s about those little moments in life that truly bring us happiness. I am going to make a serious effort to start appreciating those moments more, I am going to lost myself in those little moments more. Those are the things that bring a smile to my face for no reason, that is what gives me hope, strength and happiness. It’s in the moments…it truly is.
Also, how awesome is my husband? I didn’t even tell him I wrote an entry with a message to him, but yesterday while he was at work he decided to check my blog. And then he left me an amazingly sweet comment. Ahh, just another one of those moments. It absolutely made my entire day yesterday. Speaking of him, he won’t be back on Friday afterall. They wanted to keep him there until Tuesday, but he said absolutely not, so he compromised and will be back Saturday. I am none to thrilled about this, because I am missing him really bad this week. More than the other 2 trips I think. I am just ready for him to come home…more than ready!
Cold…so very cold
Well we are officially getting the blizzard they have been calling for. It’s snowing like crazy, the wind is howling outside, and here I sit, alone in my room. If JD was in IL today he would be at home (everyone at work were told to stay home due to the weather), and it would be the perfect afternoon to stay in our PJ’s and snuggle up to watch TV. Maybe drink some hot chocolate, pop some popcorn and just be…together.
As much as I hate cold, snow and wind, days like today seem so romantic to me for the above reason. But instead of having that, I have a very melancholy outlook on it all. I miss him, I miss him like crazy. I want him to be here, I want him to have his arms wrapped around me, holding me, laughing, kissing, just being cute like we usually are on days like this.
I know this job is good, I know it’s good for our future, but I also know that it will take away so many of those moments. Sometimes I miss our simpler life, yeah we struggled with money, but we had some of the best moments. We don’t seem to get those moments anymore. They got lost somewhere in the race of life. So why is it if in this race he is going places, our future seems more secure than ever, yet somehow I feel like we are losing that race?
Simplicity…I miss it. I always thought we needed more, we both did…yet now I yearn for the days of simplicity. I yearn for the days where we didn’t have much, but we had each other and that’s all we needed. We were so happy then. Not to say we aren’t now, it was just…different.
Maybe it’s just because it’s only the 2nd day and I still have a few more to get through till he gets home (provided this blizzard doesn’t completely eff it up and he can’t come home on Friday either). I miss my husband, my soulmate, my best friend, and today is really hard.
I hate hard days…I really do. I wish I could close my eyes and open them and JD would be here, he would take me into his arms and kiss me like I have never been kissed. I wish I could open my eyes and just get lost, completely lost in his beautiful blue eyes. JD, I know you’ll read this at some point down there….I miss you so much, and I love you with everything that I am. Come home soon, and come home safe.
Only the lonely…
Well I have managed to make it through the first 8 hours of lonliness…
just not so sure about the next 93 hours.
I miss him like crazy already, I keep smelling the t-shirt he wore to bed
last night. He sprayed his cologne on it, so it smells like his cologne
and his shower-fresh self!
I sent him a text message earlier, and he didn’t get it. It said,
“I think I would feel less lonely if I were completely alone while
you were gone, now there’s a thought”, and he definitely didn’t get it
and I really just wanted him to understand what I meant. Maybe he hasn’t
had a chance to really think about it yet. Maybe later when I have a chance
to talk to him I’ll explain it to him.
Is it Friday yet?
Meanwhile go to my twitter and read my sad updates about how
much I miss my baby! LOL! Then sign up and add me as a friend so I can read
yours. Seriously, it’s rather addictive, kind of like myspace! LOL
Stress…a nasty 6 letter word
I hate that word. I loathe it’s very existance. Why? Because I am a crazy stressed out person by nature. Big things, little things, all things stress me. It’s going to snow 3 inches, I am stressed out about my loved ones having to drive on crappy roads, the truck breaks down, I am stressed about the expense and lack of a vehicle for days. It doesn’t matter what the crappy sitch is, it’s going to STRESS ME OUT!!!!!!!
What happens when this random girl gets stressed? She gets oh so effing cranky! And really (and I am sorry to male readers) but when you’re on your period, stress is a much bigger problem…especially when you are already super cranky that week by nature. Guess what folks? This is NOT MY WEEK!
And what makes an already crazy stressed out me even more stressed out, when the hubbyman starts stressing. Let me first tell you this, JD is laid back by nature. Seriously, he is my ever optimistic (to the point it pisses me off when I am stressed) “everything will work out just fine”, glass half-full husband. Usually I want to pummel his face for this…lol…ok not really, but you are catching my drift right? Well not today my friends. Today my dear, wonderful, eternally optimistic husband…was PESSIMISTIC! Shocked? I was too! His stress load finally took it’s toll on him, and he is visibly shaken by it, and being quite the negative nelly (helloooooooooooo baby, thats my job!).
So what do I do? I sit down on his lap, give him a big hug, and tell him everything is going to be just fine! Can we say role-reversal here? And when I am stressed (and I am, just as much as he is) I HATE THAT PHRASE!!!! IT IRKS ME WHEN HE SAYS IT!!!! LOL! So what do I do? I give it to him. Then I remind him about how we have been made it through worse and come out stronger….and we will be just fine. We just have to remember to stick together and be there for each other and everything will work out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Speaking of working out, they started the truck!! Yay!! That means one major stress is FIXED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I gave him a great pep-talk and then an amazing romatical kiss, and a big hug and just held him. I hope it made him feel better, I know he was shocked to see me in the role he normally plays. And now that the truck is running (again, GREAT NEWS!) I bet he comes in here in a great mood!
The moral of this post? Stress is my nemesis. It always has been, but in seeing my husband so stressed out and having to take the role of moral support, make him feel better, try to remain positive spouse, I learned a lesson. It’s all about how you deal with it, look at it, handle it. If you DON’T let it get you down, DON’T let it consume you, DON’T let it frazzle you, DON’T let it affect you physically…you come out standing quite a bit taller and quite a bit stronger. And sometimes something that stressed you out so much (like the truck) works out so well that you think to yourself, why was I so damn stressed about that anyway? So today…I look at stress a bit differently…and I hope that it sticks with me for a while. I can handle it…I am tough, right?
Now, I hope I haven’t jinxed the truck! LOL!
***ETA*** In all the hits on this entry that I got, noone even noticed my typo, it said stress is a 5 letter word, I just fixed it to say 6 letter word. LOL!
